I think I won the penis lottery.
i will never coherently bang her
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
