Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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