youre lurking in front of me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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