he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
