the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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