just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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