i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
