If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
