i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she peed on how many people?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
