The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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