I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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