I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
