A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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