Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Please, let me fuck your mom
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
