I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
