Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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