i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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