i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
