Swine flu. Run for my life!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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