Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
