I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
