My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
