Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
