it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
