??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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