I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
