I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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