Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize