my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
