I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
