Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
