i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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