I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
