Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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