I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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