Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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