I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
