btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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