we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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