Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
