kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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