No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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