i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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