Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
