I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
