my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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