people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize