i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
