when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
