bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize