We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
