Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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