I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
