No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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