Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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