her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
