I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's shark week go big or go home
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize