Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
