my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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