just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
