awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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