She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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