Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
